Wake Up And Smell The Blog

Purse Rage

in More.com

Shopping With My Inner Slut - MORE Magazine

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"They Shoot Real Estate Agents, Don't They?"/ article in Salon

All I wanted was a good job I couldn't lose. I didn't realize I'd be bringing down the world economy...

Haggard and Blagojevich Caught in Love Nest! Phone call to Gail caught on tape!

 

Haggard: "Oh hi, Gail, it's Ted."
Gail: "What the hell is this I hear about you and Rod shacked up on the Keys????"
Haggard: "I'm really, really sorry, honey. I slip up now and then, you know that.
We're all sinners, I guess, huh? Anyhoo, I'm real sorry but I'll be home tomorrow,
kay? And can ya pick up some of that nice spiral ham I like for sandwiches? I got
a hankerin' for some good ole deli meat -- "

 

Blagojevich grabs the phone away from Haggard: "Gail? You there?
Gail (sobbing): "Why, Rod, why????"
Blagojevich: "Because sometimes a man feels bad, bad enough to fall
into the strong, loving arms of a closeted, fallen evangelist with a book
deal. Look, Gail, I need him. I want him. It feels so real -- "
Haggard grabs the phone from Blagojevich. "Shut up, Rod. Gail, are
you there? Gail???"
Click.
Haggard turns to Blagojevich and pulls him close. "Oh get over here you
lying, hunky, senate-seat-selling piece of airbrushed ass!"

Recession Kitty Dials ASPCA

"I don't know what this crap is in my bowl but it's no Fancy Feast....yeah well I don't care about the economy I want my Savory Salmon Feast...Fine I'll just puke on the sofa."
SLAM
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Shoes That Fart

Yes, I am an infant.

Tom Brady is: "Tired of Canoodling"

 

 

Firelight sputters in the hearth as Tom pulls away from Giselle on the bearskin rug, his face drawn into a pout.

“It’s not you, Giselle, it’s just…”

“What?” she says, eyes wide, “you used to like hanging out with me, telling me how thin I was compared to other girls…”

“I still think you’re thin, it’s just – “

“What???”

“I mean, we’ve been spending sooo much quality time together since my injury, and – “

“—and what, you’re sick of me, is that what you’re trying to say?”

“No, not exactly, but just how much canoodling can one super-couple do? I mean, enough already, right? The long romantic nights on the French riviera, the shopping for matching uber-couple outfits., the photo-opps in Rome, I just can’t take it any more -- ”

She starts to tear up. “You don’t love me...”

“I do, honey, I just..” He pulls out a football-shaped pillow and hugs it absently. “I miss the guys, you know? Those early morning practices…the dew on the lawn…”

“Oh, so you want to be knocked shitless on a grassy field somewhere?” Giselle grabs her clothes and jumps to her feet, scattering champagne bottles and caviar. “I can arrange that, you know. I’ll just make a couple of calls. Hell, I’ll do it myself – “

“No!! No, Giselle, not the knee!!! Aaaaghhghghghghh!”

Cozies

You know those little jackets that toasters sometimes wear? Or Kleenex boxes? Or toilet seats? They’re cozies. Here are some more:

 

Egg White – A Yolk Cozy

Pillowcase – a Pillow cozy

Nose – a Finger Cozy

Condom – a Penis Cozy

Rug – a Floor Cozy

Maple Tree – a Syrup Cozy

Apple – a Core cozy

Envelope – a Bill Cozy

Sleep – a Consciousness Cozy

House – a Human Cozy

Cubicle – a Despair Cozy

Phone – A Bad News Cozy

Paycheck – a Homelessness Cozy

Denial – a Despair Cozy

Laughter – a Despair Cozy

Car – a Global Warming Cozy

Time – a Death Cozy

Death – a Mortality Cozy

Depression – a Rage Cozy

No – a Yes Cozy

Maybe – a Yes Cozy

“You Suck” – an “I Suck” Cozy

 

Think of some more? Toss me an email!

My Car Accident

Last week I was in a traffic accident. Not a bad one but still. A fender bender with a short SCHOOLBUS. I was terrified as the kids started to stumble out afterwards. They were all spastic, had walkers, or were in wheelchairs. For some extremely horrible moments I thought, oh my God, I made them that way! I put them in wheelchairs! Then after my synapses connected again I realized…

 

…no…you didn’t do that to them, Erica, they left their houses that way this morning…you moron….

Pier 1: The Store That Wouldn't Die

 

“Please kill me!” say the strange Ugly Balls of Ratty Twine.

“Help, I can’t get out of the eighties,” opine the rattan/wicker “Indoor/Outdoor/Everywhere” chairs.

“I wish someone would recycle my shit but I’d hate to fuck up the environment even more,” pleads the “Wall Art.”

“Why am I alive?” shrieks Satan’s Candle Holder

“Hey! We’re in the

Oregon

store…isn’t euthanasia legal here?” cry the inexplicable Little Gold Froggies.

 

“We honestly don’t know what we’re doing here on God’s green earth” call out a Metallic Sac of Horrible Little Balls.

The Fairfield Terrace Hotel

I called for a reservation and this is what I heard:

“It’s a great day at Fairfield Terrace Hotel and Suites in beautiful downtown Minneapolis where your pleasure is our business and our policy is you don’t leave unhappy Brad speaking how may I make your day better?”

I hung up.

Things To Do When You Can't Get Online

Cry hysterically.

Punch things.

Run screaming into the yard.

Make a fire from old sticks and sunlight captured in a drop of rainwater.

Make shadow puppets on the wall.

Make bread from whatever you have lying around.

Eat lunch again.

Call a friend to tell them how much it sucks not to be able to be online, get sympathy, then never ask them how they are and hang up.

Create stringed instruments using your cat’s intestines.

Sing the blues on an old washboard tub.

Strut and fret upon the stage.

Tell time by finally using that old sundial out in the yard.

Do origami.

Start a fight with your spouse about not being able to get online.

Keep trying to get online, even though you know you can’t do shit till the repair guy gets there.

Stare at the screen till your eyes bleed.

Stomp around.

Wax nostalgic about all those times you were online and truly happy, swear to yourself to be grateful for those times.

Think about all the people online right now and how la-dee-dah they are about it.

Fantasize about all the great email you’re getting as you sit there, cleaning your phone.

Don't Piss Off The Easter Bunny!

Print by Michael Sowa - his stuff is brilliant!

God I'm Lonely...

...thank goodness for my new 1/4-of-a-guy pillow!!

Movie Reviews of Movies I Have Never Seen Or Will Ever See

The Bucket List

It's Buckety!

I truly do not need to see this movie to loathe it. The minute I saw the words: “The Bucket List” and read the logline (cancer + old = regret), I was ready to heave. As Joel Massie from Movie Pulse so succinctly points out:

“Little character development is necessary as we have come to recognize Jack's style over the years. We're already familiar with his character and relate to him in much the same way we feel about all of his recent projects. He's attained a level of recognition that allows us to acknowledge him simply as Jack. Regardless of his role, he's still Jack, and he doesn't disappoint…”

So screw all that character development hooey, he’s JACK, any questions? And now, along with what’s his name, he’s getting older and it sure is time for some resonance and syrupy reflection. It sure must have been some kickass cinematic fun to face mortality square in the face while climbing a pyramid or rafting the Rio Grande or whatever the heck they did, meanwhile realizing it was true FRIENDSHIP that was missing from Jack’s life all along, or something like that.

I’m sure there were numerous sunset conversations (get it, sunset??) where the old codgers codgitated about Life. I know I’d love to set off globe trotting fresh from chemo. I’ll bet there was even an estranged child involved, prolly via Jack because (heel of my hand hitting forehead) he’s so irascible, must have left some irascible residue.

Oy, the healing!