Wake Up And Smell The Blog

Cozies

You know those little jackets that toasters sometimes wear? Or Kleenex boxes? Or toilet seats? They’re cozies. Here are some more:

 

Egg White – A Yolk Cozy

Pillowcase – a Pillow cozy

Nose – a Finger Cozy

Condom – a Penis Cozy

Rug – a Floor Cozy

Maple Tree – a Syrup Cozy

Apple – a Core cozy

Envelope – a Bill Cozy

Sleep – a Consciousness Cozy

House – a Human Cozy

Cubicle – a Despair Cozy

Phone – A Bad News Cozy

Paycheck – a Homelessness Cozy

Denial – a Despair Cozy

Laughter – a Despair Cozy

Car – a Global Warming Cozy

Time – a Death Cozy

Death – a Mortality Cozy

Depression – a Rage Cozy

No – a Yes Cozy

Maybe – a Yes Cozy

“You Suck” – an “I Suck” Cozy

 

Think of some more? Toss me an email!

My Car Accident

Last week I was in a traffic accident. Not a bad one but still. A fender bender with a short SCHOOLBUS. I was terrified as the kids started to stumble out afterwards. They were all spastic, had walkers, or were in wheelchairs. For some extremely horrible moments I thought, oh my God, I made them that way! I put them in wheelchairs! Then after my synapses connected again I realized…

 

…no…you didn’t do that to them, Erica, they left their houses that way this morning…you moron….

Pier 1: The Store That Wouldn't Die

 

“Please kill me!” say the strange Ugly Balls of Ratty Twine.

“Help, I can’t get out of the eighties,” opine the rattan/wicker “Indoor/Outdoor/Everywhere” chairs.

“I wish someone would recycle my shit but I’d hate to fuck up the environment even more,” pleads the “Wall Art.”

“Why am I alive?” shrieks Satan’s Candle Holder

“Hey! We’re in the

Oregon

store…isn’t euthanasia legal here?” cry the inexplicable Little Gold Froggies.

 

“We honestly don’t know what we’re doing here on God’s green earth” call out a Metallic Sac of Horrible Little Balls.

The Fairfield Terrace Hotel

I called for a reservation and this is what I heard:

“It’s a great day at Fairfield Terrace Hotel and Suites in beautiful downtown Minneapolis where your pleasure is our business and our policy is you don’t leave unhappy Brad speaking how may I make your day better?”

I hung up.

Things To Do When You Can't Get Online

Cry hysterically.

Punch things.

Run screaming into the yard.

Make a fire from old sticks and sunlight captured in a drop of rainwater.

Make shadow puppets on the wall.

Make bread from whatever you have lying around.

Eat lunch again.

Call a friend to tell them how much it sucks not to be able to be online, get sympathy, then never ask them how they are and hang up.

Create stringed instruments using your cat’s intestines.

Sing the blues on an old washboard tub.

Strut and fret upon the stage.

Tell time by finally using that old sundial out in the yard.

Do origami.

Start a fight with your spouse about not being able to get online.

Keep trying to get online, even though you know you can’t do shit till the repair guy gets there.

Stare at the screen till your eyes bleed.

Stomp around.

Wax nostalgic about all those times you were online and truly happy, swear to yourself to be grateful for those times.

Think about all the people online right now and how la-dee-dah they are about it.

Fantasize about all the great email you’re getting as you sit there, cleaning your phone.

Don't Piss Off The Easter Bunny!

Print by Michael Sowa - his stuff is brilliant!

God I'm Lonely...

...thank goodness for my new 1/4-of-a-guy pillow!!

Movie Reviews of Movies I Have Never Seen Or Will Ever See

The Bucket List

It's Buckety!

I truly do not need to see this movie to loathe it. The minute I saw the words: “The Bucket List” and read the logline (cancer + old = regret), I was ready to heave. As Joel Massie from Movie Pulse so succinctly points out:

“Little character development is necessary as we have come to recognize Jack's style over the years. We're already familiar with his character and relate to him in much the same way we feel about all of his recent projects. He's attained a level of recognition that allows us to acknowledge him simply as Jack. Regardless of his role, he's still Jack, and he doesn't disappoint…”

So screw all that character development hooey, he’s JACK, any questions? And now, along with what’s his name, he’s getting older and it sure is time for some resonance and syrupy reflection. It sure must have been some kickass cinematic fun to face mortality square in the face while climbing a pyramid or rafting the Rio Grande or whatever the heck they did, meanwhile realizing it was true FRIENDSHIP that was missing from Jack’s life all along, or something like that.

I’m sure there were numerous sunset conversations (get it, sunset??) where the old codgers codgitated about Life. I know I’d love to set off globe trotting fresh from chemo. I’ll bet there was even an estranged child involved, prolly via Jack because (heel of my hand hitting forehead) he’s so irascible, must have left some irascible residue.

Oy, the healing!

Tom Brady Calls Gisele Bundchen "The Day After"

Gisele: Hello.

Tom: Hey, it’s me.

Gisele: I’m sorry, who is this?

Tom:…It’s Tom. You know, Tom?

Gisele: Oh…hi.

Tom: What do you mean ‘oh, hi’. You sound pissed.

Gisele: I’m not pissed. I’m just…

Tom: You’re just what? We lost, OK? We lost the frikkin game.

Gisele: Mmm…yeah.

Tom: So you’re pissed at me because we lost a football game?

Gisele: You lost the World Series, Tom. Not just “a football game.”

Tom: Thanks for the clarification.

Gisele: Well, don’t take it out on me. You’ll make me stressed and I’ll lose sleep and I won’t be gorgeous and I’ll lose my job and then where will I be. Go cry on Bridget’s shoulder if you need to a shoulder to cry on.

Tom: So that’s what this is about? The damned kid again?

Gisele (pouty silence): I don’t know, Tom, it’s a lot of things. You aren’t considered all that hot by most American women, did you know that?

Tom: I wasn’t aware of that, no. The chick on the Stetson ad seemed to like me.

Gisele: Look, she needs to project her own hotness for the camera. I do it every day. I could be posed up with Boris Yeltsin’s decomposing corpse and I got to have it on full steam. You really are clueless, aren’t you.

Tom: But Gisele, I thought we had something. I thought it was real.

Gisele: But we don’t any more. Look, I gotta go wax something. Call me next year. If you win.

No Country For Tommy Lee Jones

This was the most depressing movie ever, not only because of my darling Javier Bardem in that horrifying blowdry,

but because finally my hero of cragginess, my steady-eyed scion of manliness, Tommy Lee Jones himself 

was at the end unmanned in his doublewide by the serial killer who got away, tumble weeds blowing by the flinty single panes, mumbling something about retiring even as his wife-of-the-otherworldly-blue-eyes rejects him and says no, no, no, I don’t want you puttering around here, even here you have no place…the horror of life being that in the end no matter what you do, you are defeated and useless.

Which might have been Cormac McCarthy’s point, but I already know that about life, which is why I am at the movies hoping for oblivion. Oh well, there's always that new one out there telling us there's definitely going to be blood...

I Just Named My Rolls of Fat

Currently they are known as:

Jorge

Stoopie

Garaphugus

DON’T mix them up, they are very sensitive…

Boring Boston Boys Come Back to Boston to Bore Us Some More

Ben (zzzzzzzz) Affleck, Casey (double zzzzzzz) Affleck, Matt (wake me) Damon… In every single movie: They’re gritty! They love’em and leave’em! They’re not in touch with their emotions! They’ve had their uglyass Boston accents washed out them via the moneyed/honeyed shores of Los Angeles! They cozy up to older white male actors who’ve seen better scripts/days but are just happy for the work! The muddle through needlessly convoluted plot lines which attempt to mask a lack of storytelling ability! All at a plexy-plex near you…

Don't Understand Your Grandkids' Toys? Take New "Relavize"!

Stop worrying! This tiny pill will make you relevant again…just one pill and no technology will be scary to you. In fact, your kids will come to YOU asking for help with their ipods or whatever the hell they are.

Christmas is coming! A Boomer close to you wants to feel relevant again!

This Year's Hottest New Christmas Toy: Lump 'O Lead!

Great to suck on, or just rub it on your skin!

Kids love it!

Doesn’t need batteries!

(Toy not included)

Don't Be Afraid...

It's only Freddy the Christmas Ferret, here to wish you all a happy freaky ferrety holiday season!