Repeaters
Cracks in the FoundationThumbing through a Sunday circular the other day, I started to wonder: how did some six-year-old Asian-American kid, belly pooched out, end up wearing distressed, ripped jeans, layers of graphic tees, and Crocs knockoffs; that is, mini versions of adult clothes?
And not just adult clothes, but clothes rife with complex references to eras and ironies beyond his comprehension. Even through his sweet, clueless grin, he seemed weighed down by it all. The kid didn’t know it of course, but discount stores are actually the tail end of a long, convoluted journey: it’s where fashion goes to die.
But if this is the end of the journey, where did it begin?
At a local mall, I picked up a pair of men’s size 13 Crocs and turned them over in wonder. Is there anything larger on this earth? They looked like they could double as 40B housing, but I digress. At a neighboring shoe store, I found: Croc boots, Croc sandals on sale, and high-heeled come-do-me Crocs.
These shoes, like so many other icons of quintessential American fashion – jeans, T-shirts, and so on – started out innocent, as deckwear, in fact. But then someone said: Crocs, you’re so great, I want to wear you in winter! And fur-lined Crocs were born. Crocs for children came next.
Before long, because you’re useless if you’re not sexy in America, someone said: come on Crocs, you’re ugly and fat, and not sexy! Get your croc sh-t together!
And the big-boned Croc became sad, and lost weight, and became high-heeled and as sleek as rubber gets.
Then someone said: Croc, you slut, knock it off, and it became the demure ballet flat version favored by suburban moms and available at the Paper Store.
But Croc history is simple compared to the psychic baggage sewn into jeans and T-shirts. A T-shirt started out saying leave me alone, I’m a T-shirt. I go under men’s shirts so you can’t see their nipples. A decent enough reason to be. Turns out not to be true. Because America hungers for story, and sews them into her clothes.
Examples follow:
Good Intentions Jeans
Planted at our laptops day and night, we unconsciously yearn for a simpler time, a time when people cared about each other, when they came home for dinner, damnit. Unfortunately, the last recorded time this happened was May 12th, 1958 on a farm somewhere in Indiana. Good Intentions Jeans to the rescue! Cunningly ripped and worn, these jeans, with creases at the bend of the hip, symbolize hard work, perhaps on a farm. These jeans, say: I’m American. I’m up at dawn cleaning out the barn. I know how to make cheese, for crying out loud.
Girl Interrupted Jeans
These are the incredibly unhappy goth girl offspring of Lands End flannel-lined jeans and Mommy jeans. Pairing nicely with Heroin Chic T-shirts (see below), these jeans are actually pre-filthed. They’ve taken the wrong road, looked for love in all the wrong places, made unfortunate romantic choices: slipped through the jeans cracks. Torn, creased, distressed – they seem to say, “Sure he’s mean, but I still love him. Maybe I’ll just text him…”
Note: The “skinny” variety of Girl Interrupted Jeans have suffered an unholy melding with leggings (which carry a sort of sad Flashdance baggage) turning into the horror of Jeggings, which as far as I can tell have suffered a straight-to-discount store fate.
Heroin Chic T-shirts
Never underestimate the romance of drug addiction, especially if you’ve never experienced it. Early death as a rock star frees you from endless mortgage and tax payments, immortalizes you, and of course keeps the pretty forever. Heroin-chic T-shirts feature super-faded graphics (commonly: snake imagery, obscure goth/wiccan references) and are so thin and sheer they seem as if they are the only shirt the wearer owns. These hollow-eyed shirts have done it all: played with the Stones, been a groupie, a roadie, done ‘shrooms in the desert, went to Burning Man; followed their T-shirt hearts.
You’ll Never Be as Awesome as Me T-Shirts
These T-shirts are graphics-free and 100% cotton, or perhaps hemp. They’ve spent years traveling the world; long, selfless journeys involving lots of volunteering in war torn countries. These freaking shirts get on a plane and go straight to the disaster area and cover it, a la Anderson Cooper. And they look fantastic doing it. So pick up some social responsibility today, right in your local Old Navy.
